Amazon Warriors Attack Drone Deliveries

From the Desk of NickiLeaks

While Amazon corporate headquarters has labeled its new, drone delivery service a smashing success, back in Amazon’s drone maintenance department, people tell another tale. 

“You wouldn’t believe what these nuts – I mean our valued customers – are doing to our drones, said one hourly worker.                                                                                                              

“We sent one out with a book on reptiles and when the drone came back, there was a small alligator attached.

 “We had a hell of a time getting it loose and Junior’s finger ain’t never going to be the same!”

Junior agreed, adding in “You should have seen the one that them gay folks ordered will all that stuff from the crafts department. 

 “Took a while to get back here, but that drone sure is pretty  . . .  if you like pink!

“And with them sequins and sparkles, you can see the durn thing ‘rite near to the horizon on a sunny day.”

Other reports include people hacking into the drone’s address software and landing hundreds of copies of the Kama Sutra in the front lawn of the Westboro Baptist Church.

In North Carolina, fishing weights were hung on a single rotor of the four-rotor drone, causing the flying delivery device to circle for three hours until the battery lost charge and it crashed through the window of the state Republican Party headquarters.

Immediately, the device was hit by a hail of gunfire as was the local chairman who suffered a wound that doctors said will not allow him to sit for weeks.

Afterward, the Republicans sent a bill to Amazon for clean-up, reconstruction and replacement ammo.

Along the Chesapeake Bay, several drones were reported dodging through heavy cannon fire coming from a 13-gunned ship.

In other states, local authorities confirmed that three drones had been brought down by spud guns, two by newly installed wind turbines and four that followed a no-longer-used route over a skeet range.

Three Cabella’s stores in the Midwest held seminars on the best fishing rods to use for drone casting and were reported to have sold out of three-pronged hooks.

In Colorado, a recent start-up that trains falcons to bring down drones and their packages – Wing and a Payer – reported severe growing pains.

“We just can’t keep falcons in stock long enough, I mean, training takes time and our customers are impatient.

“I mean, it’s not like we can call down to KFC and say ‘We need another bird.’ ”

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In response to Amazon switching to night delivery in many places to foil the falcons, a second line of trained owls has been added, the company president said.

Others were quick to condemn the business.

“We think this is horrible,” a PETA spokeswoman said, just before a sea eagle swooped down and took away the microphone.

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s founder, remained his usual up-beat self.  “Our drones will get bigger and faster,” the CEO proclaimed. “Soon you should be able to have same-day deliver for live cows.”

Several large nets were ordered just after Bezos’ proclamation.

At National Transportation Administration and Federal Aviation Agency headquarters, however, officials were anything but upbeat.  “Them damn drones have made my life miserable,” said one air-traffic controller at a mid-sized Georgia airport.

“Why, one of our crop dusters, my second cousin matter o’ fact, durn near had to drop a load of Roundup on an elementary school playground, just dodging them durn things.

“I’d a been knee high in paperwork for months if them kids had got sick. Not to mention having Monsanto crawling up my butt!”

 

Nick Vanocur