An Open Letter to Kim and Kanye From Your Newborn Daughter

SS Kanye Kardashian 02

I suppose congratulations would be in order for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but I just can’t muster the willpower to do it.  I can only put words on paper that I’m sure the little, as yet unnamed, child would like to say to the new mom and dad.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know how you both are attracted to any spotlight that glows brighter than a 40 watt light bulb, but please don’t drag me into that ego trip.  I need my sleep and my tender skin will surely burn.

Mommy, please tell me that my butt won’t look like two pigs fighting in a burlap sack when I grow up.  I will have enough baggage to deal with and I don’t think carrying that around behind me helps with any endeavors I may attempt.

Daddy, please tell me you know how to smile and that, that smug look you always sport on your face is just a ruse that you use to pretend you’re tough.  I like to smile, daddy, you should give it a try.

Mommy, please don’t let me anywhere near grandma or grandpapa.  They’re strange and they scare me more than just a little. As an aside, what happened to grandpapa’s face???

Daddy, why does your music suck like a New Orleans’ mud pump after Katrina?  No really, why?  Tell me.

Mommy, just what it is you do? I’ve been listening intently for these past months and I am in a quandary as to just what it is that makes you a living.

Daddy, is there anybody on the planet that you haven’t insulted or doesn’t hate you? Don’t worry, rhetorical question, we all know the answer to that one.

Mommy, does grandma always have to act and talk like a whore? Just wondering if she is always like that or if she only acts like a trollop when the cameras are rolling.

Daddy, will you be around for my first birthday or are you going to drop mommy like a bad habit in a couple of months?

Mommy, why did you have me yanked from your body five weeks early?  Just wondering if that was healthy for you or if your vanity got the better of you again and you just couldn’t stand the fact that you were going to get bigger than a barn, not that you hadn’t blowed up real gooood already.

Mommy and Daddy, can I please be put up for adoption.  I know I’m not going to like living here. There is way too much fighting and egos around here for most people to handle, let alone a newborn.

In closing, I’d like anyone who is reading this to please feel free to kidnap me at any time and keep me at your place until I become age of majority.

Thanking  you in advance,

North Kardashian West   (Really?  How original. What are you going to name my little brother, North By North West?)

Keith