Benghazi probe finds scandal, but not the one they wanted

> on December 14, 2011 in Washington, DC.
“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

The reporters and editors at the “From the Desk of NickiLeaks” newsroom were gathered around the TV awaiting breaking news so big that it it was interrupting the drinking, a rare thing around there.

The Extra-Special House Committee to Finally Find Out What the Hell Almost or Might Have Happened in Benghazi That Will Ruin Hillary’s Chances in 2016 was about to reveal what they had discovered.

The press conference was supposed to have started more than half an hour ago, but so far . . . nothing.

The major networks had bumped Ellen and the like and yet . . . nothing.

Nothing except a lot of off-stage shouting.

Nothing distinct, but still, a lot of shouting.

And then a Republican congressman, a member of the committee, was shoved out in camera view.

But he quickly ran back.

“Dropped a bribe?” one of the NickiLeaks reporters suggested just before he remembered the bottle of Van Winkle 10-year-old on his desk.

Then a Democratic committee member walked toward the microphones before being hauled back by three very white and newly elected youthful Republicans, none of whose hair moved an inch in the process.

“Politics as normal,” a crusty old editor observed, wandering over to sit nearer the bottle himself.

There was more off-stage shouting and a foot briefly appeared in mid-air from the side of the curtain.

“One small step off plan . . . “ a copy girl observed proving she had a great future ahead of her at NickiLeaks.

Then a sheaf of papers flew out from behind the curtain to scatter all over the stage.

“Interesting,” was the general agreement.

Then eight bodies fell out at once, wrestling, punching and slapping.

And the one token Republican woman had proved to have been chosen for reasons other than a brain.

But she had a mean right hook!

Couldn’t do anything to the left, though.

By force of numbers and considerable elbows, the last one standing was a Republican.

Not only was he the last one standing, he was the last one who wanted to speak.

But he was the only one. And every single camera was on him.

He straightened his tie.

His hair was still in place as there was enough hair spray holding it up that some folks, especially after drinks, wondered if they could ask for an environmental impact statement?

With a very slight stagger, the congressman reached the podium.

“Today, our special probe reached its conclusion. We thank you,” he said as he turned to walk past the pile of his colleagues’ prone forms as reporters’ jaws hit the floor.

He didn’t get far.

One Democrat was down, but not out and his extended foot met the Republican right in his Super PAC.

hillary-clinton-presidentHe dropped with a look a only a few fortunate cameras captured.

A shame.

It took a bit, but the Democrat did what Democrats do, get up after getting knocked down, and with considerable and visible effort grasped and steadied himself with the podium.

“There is a scandal that the committee found,” he said, not the beginning that was expected from a Democrat, most back in the newsroom thought as the bottle was passed furiously.

“And Hillary Clinton was involved,” he continued as he wiped his forehead.

“Upon the orders of Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ambassador Chris Stevens was bringing her conclusive proof of climate change which he was picking up at the consulate on Benghazi when the attack had occurred.

“Furthermore, the committee discovered that the funding for the raid came from a Koch Brothers dark money group who were ordered to stop Mrs. Clinton from getting the report by any means possible.”

He paused and staggered and repeated “By any means possible!”

“That is what the committee has found.”

And with that he collapsed.

As did the newsroom, except they were laughing.

Finally, the managing editor, who at least managed to stop laughing, with the help of a nearby desk, rose up first.

“How the hell are they going to spin this one?” he proclaimed with the most evil of grins.

“By asking what difference does that make?” the bright copy girl said with a shrug.

By Nick Vanocur for