Chock Full o’ Putz – Jewish GOP group sad to the last drop



AUTHOR’S NOTE: For those who need help with their Yiddish, all terms may be found here.

“From the desk of NickiLeaks”

With the GOP clown car weaving down the Vegas strip, delivering its load of facacta candidates to Sheldon Adelson and the Republican Jewish Coalition’s 2014 Spring Leadership Meeting, the NickiLeaks news team sprang into action, elbowing each other to get a chance to cover it.

No one wanted to hear what the gonnifs said, knowing it would all be all be a big bunch of babkes, but a chance to go to Sin City on an expense account was too good to be true.

Eventually, after taking stock of the qualitiy of the reporters and the size of their bribes, the NickiLeaks political editor decided that if a bunch of Jews were meeting, he had no choice other than to send in the three wise men – Ernie, Bernie and Simon Wiseman.

After promising their mother they wouldn’t marry showgirls, the three boarded their flight and set off to do some light work and hard drinking.

With the dreck they had to listen to, they assumed they would need all the drinking they could manage while staying upright.

The first schmendrick to mount the dais was Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, as treyf a politician as the Midwest could produce.

So they sent out for more drinks.

Walker vowed that the GOP’s next presidential nominee must be someone “from outside Washington.”

In other words, somebody who has been wandering the desert?” Bernie asked, already in disbelief

That putz couldn’t find a desert if you told him to look for sand,” Ernie observed, looking out of the Las Vegas window at the desert.

He’s from Wisconsin and couldn’t find cheese between his toes,” Simon observed with a burp.

Then Scott touted his success at the state level in cutting spending.

So you’re saying your workers are making bricks without straw?” Bernie said, slyly. “That should play well with the with the Jews.”

Mishigas,” Ernie agreed.

Simon looked around the room at the Republican Jews, shaking his head.

I’ve never seen Jews without guilt before,” he pronounced, with a very worried look. “I didn’t know it was possible!”

Now that you mention it, not a mensch in the bunch.” Ernie agreed.

If they’re this bad, imagine their mothers,” Bernie said to the horror of all the Wisemen.

Then Ernie smiled.

What do GI Joes and GOP Jews have in common?” he asked.

Plastics, my boy. Plastics,” Simon said with a grin, beckoning to the balebosteh for another round.

Too bad that nebbish Marco Rubio isn’t here,” Simon said with a sip and a sigh. “I wanted to see the little schmuck schvitz and run for his water bottle.”

Why would you want to listen to that famisht schlemazel?” Bernie asked in amazement. “He has shtick in his mouth and a stick up his ass!”

More drinks came so they decided that wasn’t nearly enough and ordered more.

Next up was Chris Christie.

Chaza!” Simon proclaimed as the gonnif governor offered a similar message of state-level success, highlighting his savings on New Jersey teacher pensions

Like killing Jesus saved on rabbi pensions?” Ernie asked.

Funny that he should bring up the Middle East because Christie next described his recent trip to Israel, calling it an “overwhelming” experience that reinforced for him the need to speak “loudly” on behalf of the Jewish state.

The need to speak loudly? He knows another way to speak?” Bernie asked as he watched Christie kvel.

These Jews probably like him,” Simon said. “He closed the bridge for a week and gave every Jew in New York an excuse not to go home and see their mothers.”

That would count,” Ernie agreed.

I’m just glad that schnorrer Ted Cruz isn’t here,” Bernie said to the agreement of all.

That gedenpte fleisch worries me,” Simon noted. “He acts like a macher, but he’s tsures. Big-time tsures. Trust me on that.”

You I trust,” Ernie confirmed. “It’s these people, that make me fardeiget.”

The three Wisemen looked around, once again assessing the GOP Jews

You know what the trouble is?” Bernie asked.

Yeah,” Simon said, ordering the whole bottle this time.

It’s Jews like this that get Jews like us killed.”

– By Nick Vanocur