Congress shows minimum intelligence in defeating minimum wage hike

us_capitol “From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

A NickiLeaks reporter happened to be washing his hands – or at least pretending to – as two pissed-off congressmen, occupying two stalls, snarled back and forth on the morning’s events, events they didn’t like a bit.

“Let me tell you what happened to me,” a snarl was heard reverberating off the marble booth, “My wife wouldn’t leave because the maid was faking being sick, I know she was faking! So I had to drive the kids to school and stop at McDonald’s to get them breakfast. OK, not that big a deal but the God-damned McDonald’s was closed!

“Bunch of kids standing around giving anyone who looked like they worked for the government the finger and holding up signs that said things like “How do you like your minimum wage vote now?”

and “Kiss my Hike!

“Ungrateful, I tell you! Next thing I know they’ll be wanting to work one job instead of two!”

“Imagine that,” the reporter thought, allowing himself the smallest of chuckles.

He lit up a cigarette to cover the stench.

The stench not from the stalls, but from the politics.

It was pretty bad.

“So then my kids asked me why they were holding up their fingers and I thought fast and told them it stood for “One Vote!”

“I think they voted,” the reporter agreed.

“So then I tried a Burger King a couple of blocks away and there were more kids and this time the signs said: ‘Closed – Because you’re having it your way!’

“The one of my kids goes ‘Look, Daddy! You got another vote’

0511-0812-2314-4229_Angry_Man_On_Strike_clipart_image.jpg“Just what I fucking needed!”

The reporter gave him an additional vote.

“And everywhere we fucking went, it was the same damn thing. Kids and moms and people who got down-sized holding up picket signs and, um, voting!
“Had to drop the kids off at school with some money to buy lunch and all I had was some $100 bills, so I had to send them off to school with one of them!

“Like I’ll ever see any change!

“And do you know how long it takes me to earn $100!”

“About two days less than someone on minimum wage,” the reporter thought, wishing he had someone there to say that to.

“I know what you mean,” a slightly more nasal and Midwestern voice came from the far stall. “I spent most of the morning on the phone with my wife who was bitching that the district’s one Wal-Mart was shut – and we’re a rural district – and she was hollering Holy Hell about how much further she had to drive because my kids needed some supplies for a school project.

“What the hell we’re teaching these kids, I don’t know. So she is raising hell about how much further she had to drive because of the, as she put it, ‘Because the damn Wal-Mart was shut down by pimple faces and illegals.’

“And what am I supposed to do about that?” he asked.

“Raise the minimum wage,” the NickiLeaks reporter thought with a shrug.

“And then, the minute I walk through the door to my office, before I could even get that cup of coffee I couldn’t get because the 7-Damn-11 was closed, there she is on the phone a-hollering that the car was out of gas because no one was working at any of the gas booths anywhere.
“Yelling like it was my fault!”

“It was,” the reporter thought.

A second later he heard some frantic slapping from the near booth.

“God dammit! Now I’m out of toilet paper. Can you toss me a roll?”

“Hell no!” the Midwestern congressman exclaimed. “I ain’t got none either!

“What the hell’s wrong with the janitors around here?”

“Their wages?” the reporter guessed.

“What the hell’s a toilet without paper?” exclaimed the first lawmaker.

The NickiLeaks reporter could hold it no longer.

“A voting booth!” he proclaimed loudly with pleasure just before he ran out.

– By Nick Vanocur for