In a Surprise to Candidates, God Shows Up at the GOP Debates

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“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

The last time anybody expected Rapture to happen was twenty-five minutes into the first GOP debate.

So, of course, that’s when it did.

And out of the 10 candidates pandering to the religious right, none were called up and that left 10 politicians stand, pondering the situation or looking at each other in amazement or looking at their shoes, either pondering a very un-presidential run – this time for the door – or, with every resource imaginable, attempting to figure if there was any possible way to explain this in a way that would look good to their highly religious base, a base that was probably quite angry that they hadn’t been called up either.

And the candidates were coming up short, scared as they had continually neglected and misconstrued their professed religion and it was laid out now for all to see.

But still, they were politicians.

“I think we should shut down Heaven,” Ted Cruz said with a fist shaking at the sky. “This is an example of Democratic obstruction at it’s finest!”

Nice, but reptiles such as Cruz had been known to move fast, the politics editor of the NickiLeaks newsroom thought as he loosened his tie, repositioned his notepad, figuring that now was not the time to go anywhere, except, maybe, into his pocket for his flask.

He had topped off the big one, knowing that he would need it with the Republicans.

He would have brought a still if he could.

“Nice to know the Democrats have such pull with God,” he remarked to his svelte companion, a beautiful and brainy young reporter who, through determination and talent, had risen only so far elsewhere before joining the NickiLeaks newsroom, where all the mattered was the ability to write a story and hold your liquor in the process.

“Nice to know God does not discriminate,” she replied, gesturing toward the empty seat next to her were a transsexual reporter from a competing paper had been sitting.

“That was not the real Rapture,” Mike Huckabee screeched from the stage, his face a strong shade of crimson.

“That was the devil calling home those who had assisted him in spreading gay marriage.

“Including two priests and a rabbi,” said he politics editor, scanning the remainder of the audience.

“Obviously the work of the devil.”

“This would have never happened during my brother’s administration,” Jeb Bush put forth.

“God wouldn’t have come near your brother’s administration,” the reporter quipped.

“Dick Cheney scared him!”

“This is the work of unions!” Scott Walker, claimed, trying not to let his abject fear show.

“I didn’t know the angels were unionized,” the editor said with a sly grin.

“Just the ball players,” the reporter responded.

“This is the fault of failed immigration policies,” Marco Rubio said as he broke out in a heavy sweat and reached for his water bottle.

“We should have built a wall around Heaven and made people apply for citizenship.”

“I thought that’s exactly what religion did,” the reporter mentioned to her boss.

“I believe you’re right,” he agreed, passing the flask.

“We don’t let this kind of thing happen in my state,” Christ Christie growled.

“Not with all the bodies that are buried there,” Rand Paul shot back.

“I never expected to be called up,” Donald Trump said, eyes blazing in triumph, hair flopping and a firm grip on the podium.

“God is jealous of me. I have more money than God!”

“You could use brain surgery,” Ben Carson responded, getting the first thing right he had during the entire campaign.

And all eyes turned to the last candidate, who shrugged.

“We don’t let people get smarter in Ohio!” John Kasich insisted.

And on that, there was total agreement.

– By Nick Vanocur for All-len-All