It’s Election Day 2016 and They’re Counting – The Shootings

Tom Coburn, Mitch McConnell


“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

It’s Election Day, 2016 and the newsroom folks are gathered around The Desk of NickiLeaks, grabbing the stories as fast as they come off the wires and throwing them into print for all our loyal readers.

All four of you.

Now, the big story is not the presidential election, everybody but Karl Rove knew that Hillary was a shoe-in for that.

No, it’s the local news that is making the news.

Especially the shootings, most of which occurred in Florida, where a total of 27 people were killed at the polls, according to officials. (But the NRA has demanded a recount and threatened to go to court if they don’t get it. And, as far as America is concerned, the NRA doesn’t get it!)

One Florida shootout occurred in a very wealthy section of Miami-Dade County, not because the lines were long (they weren’t,) or because voting hours were shortened (they weren’t,) but because one registered Republican billionaire became alarmed when another registered Republican rolled down the window of his Rolls and asked for some Grey Poupon.

“I thought he was asking for Skittles,” the billionaire was quoted as saying before his lawyer arrived and all charges were dropped as his net worth was much higher than the victim’s, a common trend, the NickiLeaks newsroom noted, in most shootings across the country.

In a poorer section of what is supposed to be the same city, a elementary school political science class got a true taste of democracy in action when a woman working two jobs just to afford a photo ID had the brand-new license refused by a poll worker who was on the phone with her Daughters of the American Revolution secretary and did not wish to be second-guessed.

The DAR member, who at the time was wearing a button proclaiming “Give me Liberty or Give me Death,” was given the latter.

The shooter, despite no prior record and a valid ID, will not be given liberty until 2038.

Officials said it is doubtful she will get back the right to vote.

In Los Angeles, four paparazzi were killed and six spectators were wounded when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived to cast their ballots.

The couple, known around the world for their humanitarian efforts, immediately pledged $2 million for the families of the survivors, but said the paparazzi were on their own.

Elsewhere, a black couple was killed in Idaho by a neo-Nazi group who claimed the pair had been using food stamps.

Officials found no truth to the rumor, especially as one of the African-Americans was an architect and the other a registered nurse. Both had been shot right in their voter-registration cards.

However, three of the skinheads were arrested for possession of illegal arms, but were later released by their uncle, the sheriff.

In Texas, one natural gas well exploded when a 16-year-old tried shooting at his parole officer who was in line to vote.

Another Lone Star State fatality occurred when two people were shot because an 86-year-old, wheelchair-bound woman was told she couldn’t use the bathroom.

“Piss off,” she said before shooting.

Analysts have linked this early-morning occurrence to polls showing Democrats finally pulling ahead in Texas.

Among the NickiLeaks newsroom crowd, however, the favorite footage came out of Alaska where Sarah Palin shot a moose who was trying to cross the street in the direction of the polling place.

Palin’s family immediately rushed to her aid and threw the moose in their pickup despite the fact it had died right in front of a food bank.

In New York, Donald Trump was reported to have shot himself in the foot, but as that happened on a regular basis, it failed to make the news.


 – By Nick Vanocur for