President Obama’s Top Ten Jokes From The 2015 White House Correspondents’ Dinner (VIDEO)

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obama white house corspodence dinner 2015

Now that President Obama is in the “4th Quarter” of his presidency he really just doesn’t give a sh*t what he says or who he offends. His tremendous record in office can speak for itself, and history books will treat him kindly as they will show he has been one of the greatest leaders this nation has ever had.

I think it’s also safe to say President Obama is, by far, one of the funniest presidents in history, and at the 2015 White House Correspondents’ Dinner he let jokes fly.

Here are ten of the funniest jokes (in no particular order) from the night:

1. President Obama’s “Bucket” List.

‘I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, “Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?” And I said, “Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’”

Take executive action on immigration? Bucket.

New climate regulations? Bucket.

It’s the right thing to do.”

2. Saying Boehner will ask Netanyahu to speak at his funeral.

“And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look so old, John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”

3. He slams Dick Cheney, and rightfully so…

“A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime.

Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime.

It’s quite a coincidence.”

4. That time Michele Bachmann said Obama would cause the “end of days”…

“Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days.

Now that’s a legacy!

That’s big.

I mean, Lincoln, Washington—they didn’t do that.”

5. Oh, Grumpy Old John McCain and White House Security…

“Back here in our nation’s capital, we’re always dealing with new challenges. I’m happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White House correspondents, they’re really focusing on some of the issues that have come up. And they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep people off my lawn. It works.”

mccain

“And it’s not just fence-jumpers. As some of you know, a few months ago, a drone crash-landed out back. That was pretty serious, but don’t worry, we’ve installed a new, state-of-the-art security system.”

BidenDrone

6. President Obama and Joe Biden have become so close…

“You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years now. I love that man. He’s not just a great Vice President, he is a great friend.

We’ve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”

7. He made sure to let ABC’s new hit “Blackish” know a thing or two…

“ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy, “Black-ish.” It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warning—being “Black-ish” only makes you popular for so long.

Trust me. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”

8. Obama goes after Ted Cruz for being, well, Ted Cruz…

“Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo.

Now that’s not really an apt comparison.

Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.

And just as an aside, I want to point out, when a guy who has his face on a “Hope” poster calls you self-centered, you know you’ve got a problem. The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high.”

9. On the field of choices running for the Oval Office…

Soon, the first presidential contest will take place. And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.

It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally get that red rose? The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. The runner-up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of “The Bachelor.” I mean, seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive? I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people. It’s got to hurt their feelings a little bit.

The trail hasn’t been easy for my fellow Democrats either. As we all know, Hillary’s private emails got her in trouble. Frankly, I thought it was going to be her private Instagram account that was going to cause her bigger problems.

Hillary Instagram

Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event.

And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all. It could happen.

10. Anger Management (Obama’s inner monologue)…

Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t bother me. I understand we’ve got an adversarial system. I’m a mellow sort of guy.

And that’s why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight.

LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts.

THE PRESIDENT: In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are important.

LUTHER: I mean, really, what is this dinner? And why am I required to come to it? Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?

THE PRESIDENT: Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.

LUTHER: And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense!  “Sharia law is coming to Cleveland. Run for the damn hills!”  Y’all, it’s ridiculous.

THE PRESIDENT: We won’t always see eye to eye.

LUTHER: Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were one step away from the Walking Dead. And then you all got up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome. Oh, and by the way, just if you haven’t noticed, you don’t have Ebola!

THE PRESIDENT: But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

LUTHER: Ya’ll remember when I had that big, old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and then I plugged it? Remember that? Which “Obama’s Katrina” was that one? Was that 19? Or was it 20? Because I can’t remember.

THE PRESIDENT: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million dollars was just exercising free speech.

LUTHER: Yeah, that’s the kind of speech like this, “I just wasted six million dollars.”

THE PRESIDENT: And it’s not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money, too.

LUTHER: Oh, yes. She’s gonna get that money. She’s gonna get all the money. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros.  So watch out!

THE PRESIDENT: The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.

LUTHER: And that’s why we’re running for a third term!

THE PRESIDENT: No, we’re not.

LUTHER: We’re not?

THE PRESIDENT: No.

LUTHER: Who the hell said that?

THE PRESIDENT: But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges, like climate change.

LUTHER: Hey, listen, ya’ll, if you haven’t noticed, California is bone dry.  It looks like a trailer for the new “Mad Max” movie up in there.  Ya’ll think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd?  He needed a glass of water. Come on!

THE PRESIDENT: The science is clear. Nine of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade.

LUTHER: Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to count to 10.

THE PRESIDENT: Rising seas, more violent storms.

LUTHER: We’ve got mosquitos. Sweaty people on the train, stinking it up. It’s just nasty.

THE PRESIDENT: I mean, look at what’s happening right now. Every serious scientist says we need to act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate!

LUTHER: Okay, Mr. President. Okay, I think they’ve got it, bro.

THE PRESIDENT: It is crazy! What about our kids? What kind of stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible bull…

LUTHER: Wow! Hey!

THE PRESIDENT: What?!

LUTHER: All due respect, sir. You don’t need an anger translator. You need counseling.  So I’m out of here, man. I ain’t trying to get into all this.

THE PRESIDENT: Go.

LUTHER: He crazy.

THE PRESIDENT: Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen.

Of course, there are several other jokes that were also hilarious and if you would like to listen to the entire speech from the president you can watch it here:

Reprinted with permission from Addicting Info

 

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