REPUBLICANS OUTRAGED BY NEW YORK TIMES REVELATIONS: AMERICA SHOCKED REPUBLICANS CAN READ

From the Desk of NickiLeaks 

REPUBLICANS OUTRAGED BY NEW YORK TIMES REVELATIONS

     AMERICA SHOCKED REPUBLICANS CAN READ 

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After several members of Congress spit out their coffee reading The New York Times’ special investigation into the events in Benghazi, they ran over their maids and rushed back to the Hill for immediate damage control and advice from the Koch brothers.

It was decided to hold an immediate press conference.

Eventually, members of the press decided to go anyway.

“In opening, I’d like to thank you ladies and gentlemen of the members of this hand-picked Extra Special House Committee to Get To The Bottom of What Never Really Happened in Benghazi and members of the true media – and by press I mean Fox News, for coming here today” said committee Chairman Darrell Issa. 

“In opening, I would like America to know that the Republican members of this committee will not rest  until the truth has been revealed, especially if that does take until the first Tuesday in November of 2106. 

“We will not let this attack which took 4 American lives . . . ” 

“About the same a car crash,” one reporter quipped 

“The liberal press will be quiet!” a reporter from Fox News ordered. 

“Which took 4 American lives . . . ” an angered Darrell Issa continued. “Four precious American lives.” 

“Were you sure they were Americans? Did you see their photo IDs?” another reporter shot back. 

Issa attempted to ignore that, a hard thing for a man pointing at the reporter to do while telling an aide to write her name down for blacklisting. 

Meanwhile, the two Republican representatives closest to Michele Bachmann noticed now red her face had become and shoved her back in her seat. 

“This tragic loss of four American lives . . . ” 

“About 200 less than Reagan let happen in Lebanon,” Tammy Duckworth observed as the nearest Republican did his best to kick her in the leg to get her to shut up. The picture, snapped by an alert reporter, became an immediate internet sensation, especially when paired with the caption “GOP continues outreach program.” 

“As I was saying, it is clear to the members of this committee what happened  . . . ” 

“The heathen Muslims attacked the God-fearing Christians!” Bachmann shouted, this time rising to her feet while pointing to a Chinese member of the audience. 

“Down Michele, it’s still my turn to grandstand,” Issa said with a bang of the gavel. 

Dejectedly, Bachmann put her hands together, looked at the sky and began to silently mover lips in a failed effort to pray the say away. 

“It is clear to this committee that the erroneous conclusions printed by the liberal press in an attempt to sway voters who can actually read, are conclusions that cannot be tolerated  by those with donors instructing them to lay all the blame on Hillary Clinton and the Democrats. 

“We have called this press conference because members of this committee want every bigoted American to know that we have binders full of cherry-picked  documents that will prove this to be true.” 

“And warehouses of ones they will never reveal,” Rep. Matt Cartwright whispered to fellow Democrat Steve Horsford. earning him an indignant look from Michele Bachmann, who added a prayer for God to strike him down, too. 

Issa continued, revved up and unaware of anything expect that he was on camera. 

“Now this movie, widely watched around the world . . . ” 

“By then three more people will watch the Mitt Romney documentary, another reporter, a wiseass named Nick observed, earning him a glare from Darrell Issa and two rounds of drinks from his colleagues. 

“ . . . was not the cause of the tragedy in Benghazi.” 

“That’s the capital of Idaho,” one Republican committee member observed to another. 

“No, it’s not,” the GOP representative corrected him, “It’s in Libya.” 

“Ah, Louisiana!” 

Unaware, Issa continued, working toward his conclusion. 

“It is the belief of this committee that The New York Times was completely wrong in its conclusion that events unfolded as they really happened and not in a way that completely lays the blame squarely at the feet of Hillary Clinton. 

“Which proves, that after months of investigation, The New York Times knows nothing about Mrs. Clinton  . . . ” 

A loud snort interrupted Issa. 

“So, what you’re telling the American people is that the largest paper in one of the nation’s most populated state, a paper that’s the winner of numerous Pulitzer Prizes and a long-time bastion of the journalistic community is completely unaware of someone who represented them for years as a US senator? A smart and powerful woman who represented the great state of New York, which I am fortunate to represent as well? 

“You’re saying that The New York Times knows nothing about a woman who was married to the 42nd president of the United States and who herself later served as Secretary of State, representing this nation in countless countries around the world for four years?” 

Darrel Issa responded in the only way he could. 

“What difference does that make?” he asked.

Nick Vanocur