Secrecy and the War on Christmas

Secrecy and the War on ChristmasimagesQGFDUNT3


And this story just in, elf held in the War on Christmas for contacts with NickiLeaks.”


Edward Snowchild, an elf with an up-to-now impeccable record as a kids request analyst, was caught on film by The North Pole Secrecy Agency (NPSA) passing secret documents to a polar bear believed to be in the employ of several agnostic, liberal news agencies.

Spokesreindeer Donder was quoted as saying that this was an unprecedented and damaging attack in the War on Christmas that posed a serious threat to giftmakers and packagers alike.

“We hope children everywhere will understand that our precious Christmas freedoms do not come easily, but through the dedicated work of a cadre of elves, often working in secret.

“Materials here are kept strictly confidential because if they leaked to consumers or competitors like Wal-Mart or Toys R Us, our basic freedom to own toy guns might be imperiled.

“We would not like squirt-gun manufacturing capabilities to end up in a hot zone like the Middle East, so we are taking this squirt-gun leak very seriously.”

Officials declined to comment on Snowchild’s whereabouts but rumors continued to circulate that he was in hiding beneath Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

Snowchild’s revelations seem to have had repercussions across the globe as Wal-Mart cut workers hours and factories in Indonesia added an second shift at cheap toy plants manufacturing goods already linked to the deaths of three children in the US.


Repercussions were even felt at the White House as the National Christmas Tree fell into the spinning rotors of Marine One.

Fortunately, no one was injured in the disaster but the president’s dog did have a field day.

The event was blamed on the missing elven analyst and not on the sub-standard wiring mandated by sequestration.

Sarah Palin, who up until that moment had been keeping one eye glued to Russia to watch for socialists trying to cross over before the border was sealed and the other glued on the White House had this to say:

“Well, I think that all good Americans know that the real spirit of Christmas in in the turkeys and as someone who has shot many of them for no reason at all, I know that all of you who are not liberal, Muslim Kenyatists will join me is this most wonderful of holiday traditions.”

Meanwhile, posters across the globe were calling for Snowchild’s head.

“I think that scat-eating, secret-stealing traitor ought to be thrown in jail for the rest of his miserable life so he can be raped by pot-possers and other queers,” one troll wrote on The Huffington Post.

“And the only reason I don’t want to see him dead is because he’s white!”

However, the reaction among his co-workers was quite different as a New York Times Pole poll revealed.

“I applaud his individuality,” said one red-nose reindeer who refused to be identified.

Others among the elves backed him as well.

“This is what happens when you short people,” one short person said.

In Washington, Paul Ryan tried to link the repeal of Obamacare to Christmas.

“I have always felt the Christmas is a package deal,” he proclaimed.

“And tying it to the repeal of Obamcare would wrap it up nicely and allow the people with frostbite and no health care to enjoy the holiday in the way the Koch Brothers would want.”

A spokeswoman for the Fiendish Builders of Igloos (FBI) who performed the background check on Snowchild had this to say:

“Fuck! There goes our contact!”