The Republicans get Medieval and Bring Back the Dork Ages

Alaric at Athens

“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

At the end of a news day when Congress had done nothing that made sense or benefitted anyone but the ultra-rich, the last few people in the NickiLeaks newsroom had cracked open the bottles, rolled one or two spliffs and jumped on the Internet as a thought had spread and they were determined to check it out.

The idea had sprung from a story on climate-change deniers saying there was no science that confirmed global warming.

They said that in an air-conditioned room, it was noted.

And, after a couple “Damn Bible-thumper!” comments, the religion editor, a devout Satanist, pointed out that what the Republicans were doing and saying was a lot like what was said – and got us into – the Dark Ages.

Instantly, drinks were slammed and computers lit up.

The first find was a quote by Ralph Hall of (of course!) Texas, a former House Science Committee chairman who had proclaimed, “There is growing concern and evidence that scientific data, from which global warming theories emerged, has been manipulated, enhanced or deleted.”

Much like the revisions of the Bible,” the religion editor noted. “A document that sure has been manipulated.Yet those Southern Republicans have no problem believing in that and forgetting it was the right-wing clergy that did the manipulating !

“Like Napoleon said,” the unofficial historian of the group said, “Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”

“Another strike against it,” proclaimed the Satanist.

Here’s a second strike against the House Science Committee,” said the crusty old city editor, joining in.

This gem’s from the present committee chairman, Lamar Smith, another numb-nut from, where else, Texas.

Home of the Dark Ages!” the publisher said as she joined the gang.

More like the Dork Ages!” said a rising young copy girl, thinking of her favorite Medieval theorist, Louie Gohmert.

“Now, tell me this don’t sound like the Republicans!” proclaimed the economics editor.

Orthodox Christians strove to recreate a pure Christianity, void of these ‘dark’ Catholic ways. Catholics did not view this era as ‘dark,’ “

“Much like the Republicans,” he quipped before continuing.

“Catholics viewed this period as a harmonious, productive religious era. The Dark Ages were also the years of vast Muslim conquests. Along with other nomads and horse and camel warriors, the Muslims rode through the fallen empire, wreaking havoc and seeding intellectual and social heresy in their wake. Muslim conquests prevailed until the time of the Crusades. This age old conflict between Christianity and Islam remains until this day.”

“Which explains why those shitweasels still want to fight a war in Iraq,” said a reporter from a notoriously Red part of Pennsylvania.

And I got more proof of that!” the police reporter proclaimed, glancing at his screen. “Within a few years, the leaders of what was called the Christian church were nothing more than bosses of vicious gangs who murdered their rivals for power and position.”

Tell that to Eric Cantor!” someone shouted. “Them religious thugs murdered the only Jew they got!”

He paused.

Wait! That sounds familiar!”

As does this,” proclaimed the education editor, a well-read dropout. “See if this reminds anyone of the GOP-fostered student debt crisis and the battle against Common Core.”

He began reading: “The ‘Christian’ church had no interest in preserving the Roman Empire; it now had its own empire to build. As the Roman Empire crumbled, career opportunities now lay exclusively within the hierarchy of the church and a Christianized state bureaucracy – for those few bright and privileged enough to be able to seek education. With the active cooperation of the imperial court the Church had seized complete control over education and now restricted instruction to potential priests. Initially, rhetoric and grammar remained in the syllabus but knowledge which did not serve the purposes of the Church was suppressed.”

Yep,” it was agreed, “Common Core.

And if you need more proof that the Republicans have truly brought back the philosophy of the Dark Ages,” the religion editor said with a suspicious smile, “There is this . . .

‘Preoccupied with ceremonial and propagandistic pageants, within a few generations most priests could not even read the Bible. Ritual had replaced reading, iconography had replaced language. The scientific method – empirical observation and the testing of hypotheses – had no place in an age in which eternal truth was made known to man by the revealed Word of God. In the Christian world-view, “Nature” was known as the domain of evil, not a realm worthy of respect and exploration.’ ”

Do you think Galileo is turning over in his grave?” the science editor mused aloud.

If he heard Randy Hulgren of Illinois he would be,” the religion editor declared.

What did he say?” the publisher asked.

The greatest impact on our climate clearly is the sun!”

Yep,” they agreed, “The Dark Ages are back. Or is it the Dork Ages? I get confused.”

“So do they, my son, so do they.”

                                                                                                                                                           – By Nick Vanocur for


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