The Sunday Funnies & Factoids: The ‘Because I Have to Edition’

by Keith Lennox, All-len-All, 08/10/14 –

chipmunk 5Happy Sunday, one and all.  Hope you are all having  a great one and your weather is as spectacular as mine is… couldn’t put in an order with the weather gods for anything more perfect. I no more want to be writing this piece today than I would want to puncture an ear drum…. I am tired, grumpy, and maybe a little overworked.  But persevere I shall to bring you the latest edition of The Sunday Funnies & Factoids.

So without further ado, it’s on with the show…..

1) The split-fingered Vulcan salute from Star Trek is derived from an Orthodox Jewish ritual called the Blessing Hands, which is used to anoint congregations on holy days. Leonard Nimoy, whose grandfather was Orthodox, remembered the hand gesture from his childhood visits to the synagogue and borrowed it for his role as Mr. Spock.

2) In 1973, Mao Zedong told Henry Kissinger that China had an excess of females and offered the United States 10 million Chinese women.  Ummmmmmm, thanks Mao, but we have all the chicks we can deal with as is.  Then again, you never know with Henry, do you?

upside down cat3) The capstone atop the Washington Monument is actually made of aluminum. The 100-ounce pyramid-shaped “stone” was placed on December 6, 1884, and was the largest aluminum object cast up to that time. It sounds like an odd choice today, but aluminum was very hard to produce at the time and was worth as much as silver ($24/oz in today’s dollars).

4) At more than 3.3 million square miles, the Sahara Desert is as large as the world’s next 20 largest hot deserts combined.

5) A praying mantis has one ear.  Good to know…. now I can sleep soundly tonight.

6) Sure, people see multiple home runs by the same person in the same game, but did you know that only one man in all of major league baseball history was able to pull off not one, but two grand slams in the same INNING? Fernando Tatis pulled off this feat while playing with the St. Louis Cardinals in the late 1990s.

empty toilet paper roll7) In 2007, an American man named Corey Taylor tried to fake his own death in order to get out of his cell phone contract without paying a fee. It didn’t work.

8) In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead — he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.

9) In 1993, San Francisco held a referendum over whether a police officer called Bob Geary was allowed to patrol while carrying a ventriloquist’s dummy called Brendan O’Smarty. He was.  Jeebuz….. someone with waaaaaay too much time on his hands.

10) The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches.

11) A U.S. park ranger named Roy C. Sullivan held the record for being struck by lightning the most times, having been struck — and surviving — seven times between 1942 and 1977. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot in 1983.

12) There are around 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. If you took them all out and laid them end to end, they’d stretch around the world more than twice.

13) What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

farting cat14) In 1956, East Germany decided to honor the death of native composer Robert Schumann by featuring him on a stamp. The design included a commemorative portrait of the artist against the backdrop of one of his musical scores. Unfortunately, the musical manuscript they used was that of fellow composer Franz Schubert…… OUCH !!!

15) Q. How can you spot Al Gore among a bunch of Secret Service agents?
A. He’s the stiff one.

16) Things not to say to a cop when you’re pulled over…

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.

You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

“Bad Cop! No Donut!”

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

“Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”

Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?

Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I fucked a few days ago…

Aren’t you one of the Village People?

17) Canada has more lakes than all the other countries combined.

 

Okay, folks, I am so outta here…. my deck is beckoning me and the two chipmunks have been incessantly knocking at my back door demanding my presence with a big bag of peanuts.

Have a great Sunday and an even better week.  Remember to pay it forward this week if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Ciao,

 

Keith