The Sunday Funnies & Factoids: Xmas 2013 Edition

Front_page_bobWelcome to my first xmas edition of SF&Fs.  This will be my second last edition of the year.  Seems hard to believe that a new year is almost upon us and we will soon be entering the uncharted territory of 2014……the year of mid-term elections and the fall from grace of Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Kim and Kanye, and Beyoncé (the best stocking stuffer EVER).

1) Each year there are approximately 20,000 “rent-a-Santas” across  the United States. “Rent-a-Santas” usually undergo seasonal training  on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public.  They  also receive practical advice, such as not accepting money from parents while  children are looking and avoiding garlic, onions, or beans for lunch.  

2) Santa Claus is based on a real person, St. Nikolas of Myra (also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker, Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna, and Nikolaos of Bari), who lived during the fourth century. Born in Patara (in modern-day Turkey), he is the world’s most popular non-Biblical saint, and artists  have portrayed him more often than any other saint except Mary. He is the  patron saint of banking, pawnbroking, pirating, butchery, sailing, thievery,  orphans, royalty, and New York City.  Jesus, that is one busy patron saint, no? 

3) White Christmas by Irving Berlin is the best selling single of all time, with over 100 million sales worldwide. 

4) Santa is the world’s richest man.  He may not be in the gift giving business for the big bucks, but Santa still needs money to keep his operation rolling. (And to pay for the elves’ dental plan. Those elf unions are ruthless.) Thankfully, Santa’s wealth surpasses even Scrooge McDuck’s money bin. Forbes compiled a list of the world’s richest fictional people and St. Nick topped it with a net worth of infinity. This beats the world’s current net worth record holder, Mexican investor Carlos Slim Helu, who only topped out at a measly $74 billion. No wonder Santa’s so jolly.

5) Taken from the Santa School website (and, according to the site, originally established by a department store, Donovan and Shields, in 1932), here are ten rules for any prospective Santa Claus:

Bodily hygiene is to be scrupulous. Special attention should be paid to the cleanliness of undergarments and socks.

  1. Ditto oral hygiene. Please ask Santas to refrain from eating strong – smelling foods such as garlic. Chewing tobacco is to be discouraged.
  2.  Fingernails are to be kept short and clean. Outgrowths of nasal hair will not be tolerated.
  3. Santas must ensure that tunics, boots, beards and wigs are to be kept clean. An over night laundry service will be provided.
  4. Please ensure that correctly fitting uniforms are issued and that all tears, lost buttons, etc., are promptly repaired.
  5. Under no circumstances may intoxicating beverages be consumed on the premises or prior to Santas taking up their duties. The penalty shall be immediate dismissal.
  6.  Santas may not congregate in uniform by the Staff entrance when off – duty or smoke cigarettes or cigars when off – duty and in view of the passing public. They must use the Staff rest area for such purposes.
  7. No gratuities may be accepted from parents.
  8. Santas shall adopt an appropriate tone of voice and demeanor when addressing children. They shall not use low, slang expressions. Nor shall they on pain of instant dismissal, abuse either verbally or physically any child or guardian.
  9. Should an emergency occur, such as a child losing control or being sick over a Santa, then a relief will assume his duties without delay. Will you please ensure that adequate Santa relief is available at all times.   

6) Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino’s for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him,  ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’ 

7) What did one snowman say to the second snow man?  “Hey, can you smell carrots?”

Happy holidays, one and all.  Stay safe and have a wonderful time with family and friends.  Hug the ones closest to you and be sure to tell them how important they are to you and just how much you love them.  snowman  See you next week folks,