With the Republicans in Charge, Early Voting Turns into a Fiasco

voting machines

“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

After receiving a barrage of phone calls that, unfortunately, were way too believable, the reporters from the NickiLeaks newsroom took to the roads and airports, computers and desk phones, to see if what they were hearing about early voting being totally screwed up by Republican state legislatures and the myriad of problems and chaos that had ensued.

It turned out to be worse.

In one Kansas town, a mid-sized city, actually, an alarmingly large number of voting machines had been set up, but only in one inconvenient and very scary neighborhood

Upon arrival, a NickiLeaks reporter found several anxious voters clutching photo ID’s and staring at the padlocked door of a building that appeared to have more graffiti than electricity.

The voters, the bewildered reporter observed, were from all socio-economic groups and classes and mainly shared patriotism, disgust with the status quo, and the desire to vote.

And none of them had any idea why they were barred from the building and pretty sure they had no other place to go vote.

This is unconscionable,” said an old black woman clutching a Bible.

And unconstitutional,” said a young, white lawyer, whose beliefs were both chargeable and changeable by the hour.

It sucks!” said a pregnant mom whose food stamps had been cut.

Shitweasels!” declared a feisty, road-weary woman.

The NickiLeaks reporter nodded in agreement as he started punching instructions into his phone, placing the clerks at the home office in motion.

And then he started his own calls.

Meanwhile, some folks waited and some didn’t.

Eventually, it was established that the building had been bought dirt cheap from the city by a classmate of high-up officials and given the contract to house the voting without the public having foreknowledge or any attempt at a competitive bid. He took the down-payment – for repairs – and bought himself a new mistress and a new identity.

In the meantime, Kansas, having no money left in the Treasury, thanks to the massive tax cuts, couldn’t even pay the rent anyway.

Hence, no voting.

Shitweasels,” the woman stated again, getting nods from all who were left.

In the meantime, in Ohio’s 8th Congressional District, home to House Speaker John Boehner, another skeptical NickiLeaks reporter was staring in amazement at the massive amount of clean, curtained booths available in a brand-spanking-new and glistening building that seemed to have no other tenants.

Turned out it didn’t, that was another inside deal to a developer who had donated heavily to the local Republican apparatus.

And why there were so many machines didn’t even take a phone call to figure out – the voting machines in Ohio belonged to a company controlled by Tagg Romney, so, of course, the rich had to get richer at the public expense.

She shook her head, she had seen enough.

Meanwhile, back at the home office, the political editor was putting the bottle back in the drawer while talking with the reporter they had sent to North Carolina, who had also chosen to investigate a small-to-mid-sized city.

However, he hadn’t planned to end up in the hospital.

What the hell happened?” his editor asked as he decided that he better pull the bottle back out and leave it on the desk.

First there was a flood of early voters, and then there was a flood,” the reporter exclaimed as vehemently as a sore jaw allowed.

A real god damn flood! Another one of Duke Energy’s coal ash slurry pits broke loose and flooded the three early voting sites, all of which had been suspiciously placed on low-lying ground.”

Was it an accident,” the editor asked, doubting it heavily.

Probably not,” the reporter said in agreement.

“Sure were a lot of Democrats voting. And then came the flood!”

And that’s when you got hurt?” the political editor asked his long-time friend.

Yep,” the hospitalized reporter confirmed. “I got hit by a voting machine!”

By Nick Vanocur for All-len-All.com