As a Canadian I believe that we have so very much to be proud of……a whole whack of really funny comedians, very good looking women, manners second to none, small egos, Steppenwolf, William Shatner, Ryan Gosling, kick ass beer that’ll get you shit faced by two in the afternoon, 4 seasons and football that’s played on a really big field with one less down. There is, however, a few things that we are collectively ashamed of……Ted Cruz, Jim Carrey (post 2005), Alex Trebek, Allen Thicke, Avril Lavigne, Nickelback, and Celine Dion. But the thing we are most sorry for above everything else, is this insidious little snot-nosed brat who goes by the name of Justin Bieber.
As hard as this may be to believe for the rest of the world, we hate this child more than you do. He has damaged our collective national image and devalued our good name here and abroad. He has single-handedly turned our once proud nation into a laugh fest for those of you in foreign lands. Nothing is more irritating than telling someone you’re a Canadian and to hear the retort, “Ohhh, Isn’t Justin Bieber a Canadian? I don’t like him. His music sucks.” Yeah, we know. We don’t like him either and, yes, his music does indeed blow chunks. You are pointing out the excruciatingly obvious fact that he is an over-rated, under-talented, and entirely forgettable flash in the pan that sticks to our beloved maple leafed flag like baby shit on a blanket. A stain so deep and pervasive that we may never get it out. How this child, in just a few short years, could have taken a peace loving, friendly, outgoing people and make them wary to say where they hail from to anyone resembling a foreigner, is nothing short of criminal.
If I may sum up as such. Each nation has their proud moments, their days in the sun, so to speak, that no one can take away from them. Those bright shining times when they all stand together as one and say aloud and in unison, hearts filled with pride, “I am so proud to be a __________ian today.” The day that we unleashed this Justin Bieber character upon the rest of the world was not one of those moments for Canadians and we will be eternally sorry for what has transpired since. We know not what we did. All we can do now to make amends is offer our sincerest apologies, our maple syrup, our Crown Royal whisky, our lumber, oil, hydro electricity and our word, that if at all possible, we shall never allow such an abomination to ever leave the confines of our borders again.
Again, words cannot express how sorry we are,
Keith
ps All Canadian animals feel this way.
